I've moved away from all of the divination tools of the olden days, along with all of the senses required for them to work. I don't know how I feel about those things anymore. Perhaps I've been stymied by every day, mundane world for too long, but I feel a little silly when it comes to those things. However, I don't think that I've benefited from my long held lack of zen or spiritual dormancy. I've been way too turned off for too long, in general. In some ways I feel as though, with regards to the hocus pocus, that I've been told that santa isn't real and now I can't go back. In others I think I'm just having an identity crisis.
However, I think the zen is waiting for me. I just can't seem to find it right now. Meditation would do me a world of good. I want to get out into nature. I want to be less angry. I want to remember what it feels like to be happy again. I want to be happy for more than just a spark or a moment in time. I was in a really good place for years, and now I'm here again. I don't want to be a grumpy mama for Ewan.
I think I need a cleansing. I think this awful house needs one too. I wish I could cleanse it (and me) of my husband! Or at least I need to figure out how to live with him.
I'm going to be full time self employed after Thursday, so if anyone wants to or to sit in some field somewhere, let me know. :) I'd love to go... and go hiking!